We’ve seen the dick pics. We’ve seen the bulges. But how well endowed are celebrities like Brad Pitt and P. Diddy, really? A recent study declared the official average length of an erect penis to be 5.16 inches, with circumference of 4.59 (and 3.6 inches long, 3.66 inches around when flaccid, in case you were wondering). We’re not sure how these male celebs measure up exactly, but we’re going to do our best to try and guess. We did some investigating, and whether these claims are complete fallacies or an attempt at revenge by an ex (cough Kim Mathers), this is what we found.
Ashton Kutcher: In 2008, Kutcher’s late ex-girlfriend Brittany Murphy joked about the relationship between him and his then-wife Demi Moore on David Letterman: “To him age doesn’t matter and to her size doesn’t matter.” Followed by multiple “Kidding!” assurances, obviously.
Brad Pitt: Pitt’s ex Juliette Lewis was out at a bar when she claimed, “He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” When a crowd member asked her to clarify his situation, she reportedly laughed so hard she banged into a table. Later, his Ocean’s co-star George Clooney jokingly (?) put a “Small Penis on Board” sticker on his car. Haters gonna hate.
Enrique Iglesias: Iglesias isn’t packing and he’s not ashamed. He always references his small manhood, one time saying, “The next product I’m gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it’s really embarrassing for people, you know, from experience. Hopefully people won’t be ashamed when I step forward.” You can run, you can hide, and his penis still won’t be there.
Jude Law: After we learned Law was having an affair with his nanny, things got even worse when pics of his penis were revealed. Publications like Page Six were not impressed, comparing his “meager manhood” to George Costanza’s “shrinkage” in Seinfield. Woof.
Shia LaBeouf: In a 2009 interview, the former Disney star told Playboy about losing his virginity: “It put her at a weird angle, where I couldn’t get in correctly. I’m not extremely well-endowed… and clearly this wasn’t the move.”
Nick Cannon: Before he was set to be Mr. Mariah Carey, Cannon’s ex Selita Ebanks said “no comment” when asked about his size in this amazing 2011 throwback interview. We’re guessing she’s sparing him the embarrassment.
Eminem: In 2007, Eminem’s estranged ex-wife Kim Mathers a Detroit radio station that he was “not very well-endowed” and that sex with him was downright “bad.” Her advice: “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” That’s low.
Daniel Radcliffe: The Harry Potter star went full-frontal in Equus. He blamed on-stage shrinkage on stage fright, saying his member “tighten[ed] up like a hamster.” Hey, at least he had the balls to be nude on stage.
Daniel Craig: Craig’s Casino Royale co-star Dame Judi Dench claimed his penis was “[an] absolute monster,” following up with, “Sorry, I shouldn’t say that, should I? How uncouth of me.” However, the actor also admitted to having “four or five” stunt penises. So…
Calvin Klein models leave very little to the imagination, so do you prefer them clothed or nah?