Blood, puke and more blood! It was a good week to be a bodily fluid. Check out the embedded video below to see my five favorite moments from this week’s “Jersey Shore”!
5. Boozy Bleeding
What did we learn from Ronnie this week? Well, your butt can bleed from drinking too much. Seriously. I Googled it.
See? “Jersey Shore” is educational!
4. Snooki the Biologist
For approximately four hours, Snooki had a boyfriend named Jeff. Her short-lived beau wanted to take a dip in the ocean, but Snickers informed him: “I f—in’ hate the ocean. Too much whale sperm. Everybody Google it, because that’s why the water is salty. F—in’ whale sperm.”
I did Google it, and it’s not true, Snooki. See? “Jersey Shore” isn’t educational!
3. Pauly the Prankster
Once Snooki abruptly ditched Jeff for once being sort of half-engaged a hundred years ago, the dude wanted answers. Instead, he got Pauly D’s awesome answering-machine impression.
Now I have to make my own call: “Oh, yes, president of MTV? I would like to request that Pauly D gets his own spin-off show please.”
2. I’ve Got a Golden Ticket!
Apparently, any dude who wants to hook up with Deena needs a “golden ticket,” and she doesn’t give them out on the first date — unless, of course, you’re the guy from the new episode.
Incidentally, Justin Bieber is running a “golden ticket” contest for his new movie. I certainly hope the prize doesn’t involve sleeping with Deena, because there are gonna be some disappointed and traumatized 10-year-old girls out there.
1. The End of SamRon … Or Is It?
Sammi and Ronnie spent the entire episode fighting. And the sky is blue.
“You just wish you could freeze it, then fast-forward and get to the end when they f— and they’re fine again,” the Situation says in the confessional. You might not be able to fast-forward life, but I can definitely fast-forward my TiVo!
“I do everything for Sammi,” Ronnie says at one point. “What don’t I do for her?” What don’t you do for her? How about be a good boyfriend?
“You guys always fight,” Snooki says. “Does he have his period right now?” Well, he is bleeding from an orifice …
And then, at long last, they broke up! Our national nightmare is finally over!!
“Can you at least talk to me about this?” Sammi pleads.
No. No need to talk. Stop talking. Show more Snooki. Show more Vinny. Hell, I’d even take more of that T-shirt shop owner. Just no more Sammi and Ronnie, please …
“There’s only so much you can stuff in there,” Ronnie says. “You’re gonna stuff it, you’re gonna stuff it, you’re gonna stuff it, and you know, I think that’s why I’m finally exploding, because I can’t keep anymore sh– in.”
Wait, is he talking about his relationship or his bleeding butt?
What was your favorite “Jersey Shore” moment this week? Let us know in the comments!
Don’t miss “Jersey Shore,” airing Thursday nights at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.