Here we are, gang. Brad Womack is back on “The Bachelor.” Let’s get right to the action. And just a word of caution: Please do not put spoilers in the comments. Those comments will be deleted. Thank you.
The opening montage where Chris Harrison calls this “already one of the most dramatic seasons” and Brad shows us his poor, lonely existence while he “watches” the finale of his first season is a little much, even for this show.
The contemplative shots of him alone are giggle-fit inducing — here’s Brad watching the rain (“it’s rainy, just like my soul”), here’s Brad standing by a field (“I’m sad but strong”), here’s Brad shirtless on a bridge (“should I jump or go on ‘The Bachelor’ again?”), here’s Brad and his therapy issues (“Daddy!”), here’s Brad and his nieces and nephews (“bring on the single moms!”), here’s Brad working out (“ripple ripple”). Sheesh. Get on with it.
Now we meet some of the bachelorettes:
- Ashley the dentist enjoys “shaking her
boobsgroove thing.” Is she going to dance for Brad like Tenley did for Jake? We can only hope.
- Shawntel is a funeral director and licensed embalmer. That is awesome. At least it’s something different from model/actress/nanny.
- Ashley No. 2 lost her dad at the age of 46 last year and she cries about not getting to tell him she loved him before he passed away. Hmm. Not ever? You seem emotionally healthy, this is the perfect show for you.
- Chantal (who is not the same as Shawntel) is a crazy cat lady who just got divorced. And speaking of crazy, Michelle is a clown-boobed “Fatal Attraction”-type who thinks the other girls will see her as a “threat” (to their bodily health, maybe) and she immediately loses points for jogging in a spaghetti strap top.
- Raichel is a manscaper (you’re going home tonight), Meghan is in fashion (you too) and Madison is into vampires (definitely no rose for you).
- Emily is the girl we’ve been pre-disposed to like. She fell in love with her high school sweetheart and they got engaged four years later, but he was killed when his plane crashed flying to a race, which Emily was supposed to be on. And then — a week later she finds out she’s pregnant. Well, good lord.
Harrison welcomes Womack to the Bachelor Manse for a sit-down conversation. They get into his daddy issues (he could be a “Lost” character) and Harrison puts on his serious face. They then bring out Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas, the two women Brad rejected last time around. Hopefully it goes better than the Jake-Vienna segment, that was scary.
Unfortunately, while Brad does not make us think he might strike one of the ladies, it’s super awkward and forced. Also, I must confess I did not watch Womack’s original season. So far he seems to have the personality of wallpaper paste — hopefully he gets better.
The first limo pulls up and the women realize it’s Brad Womack. Chantal is the first girl out of the limo and she smacks him, as we all saw in the promo. What is totally bonkers is that A) she’d do that and B) he reacts with an “I deserve that.” Uh, has nobody stopped to think that if he wasn’t in love with Jenni or DeAnna that he shouldn’t pick either one? Maybe he was being a good guy? Let’s stop acting like he’s some sort of demon.
The other women pass by in a blur of sparkles, makeup and boobs. They won’t all be addressed, but we’ll hit the highlights. (On a random side note, my candy hearts are making my wine taste like spicy orange juice.)
- Ashley with the Dead Dad seems so young that Brad could be her father — perhaps that is what she’s looking for considering her emotional baggage.
- Madison is totally creepy and Brad rolls with it, to his credit.
- Melissa jumps into his arms with not much warning and it’s such a shame he didn’t drop her.
- Sarah P. apparently was not ready for the Los Angeles sun, as she is very pink about the face and decollatage. She also makes Brad propose, it’s creepy.
- Lacey says “I’ll talk to you inside” very seductively, but I heard, “I’ll touch you inside” and about choked on a candy heart.
- Shawntel the Funeral Director is utterly charming and looks very down-to-earth. I’m smitten, I hope she makes it far.
- Britnee, whose parents should be flogged for spelling her name that way, makes Brad come get her out of the car. Gag.
- Jill is also looks down-to-earth and fun and is very tall, so that’s awesome, but she leads with “I want to get married.” Reign in the crazy, lady.
- Lisa M. wears her ruby slippers because (duh) she’s from Kansas. Lordy. I like “The Wizard of Oz” too, lady, but c’mon.
- Rebecca looks like she should be the one with the vampire teeth, very Lorena from “True Blood.” She then kisses Brad on the lips. Yeah, I’d be worried about some head-twisty sex with that one.
- Keltie is a Rockette and she struts out of the car doing high kicks in her short baby doll dress. Ughhhhh. “Dance 10, Looks 3″ anybody? Just me?
- Emily seems so sweet and is very pretty, but I can’t take that hair color. It’s too brassy and fake. She’d be a knockout if she softened that up a little. She looks like Holly Madison from the Playboy mansion.
- Michelle has on her “J.Lo at the Grammys” dress and yeah, she’s not going to make friends in that outfit.
The night kicks off with Brad fielding a lot of questions from the various women about his previous experience on the show. It’s not terribly interesting. First of all, we get it. He’s changed. Secondly, why is everybody acting like this is such a big deal? He doesn’t kill puppies in his spare time. Can we lay off him already?
Chris brings out the First Impression Rose … dun dun dun. So to make a “good” first impression, Raichel waxes the backs of Brad’s hands. One girl yells out, “Don’t get rid of the hair.” Why? So you can use it in your cauldron?
Jackie sings a made up song for Brad and it’s terrible. She also laughs a Rachel-from-”Big-Brother” laugh after every line. Oh my god, hook her up with Kasey from Ali’s season of “The Bachelorette.” They can sing while they guard and protect each other’s hearts. Match made, next!
The cattiness comes out between Alli and Renee, who fight over Brad during their two-on-one time, then lose Brad to Jill. Renee comes back for more, but gets snaked by someone else. Heh. Renee then classily says she’s better than all these b******* in a talking-head.
Emily gets her alone time and she doesn’t play the dead fiancee card right away, to her credit. But Emily is followed by Fang Girl Madison, who is extremely creepy. She thinks she’s being sexy and coy, but she’s not. Brad says he just wants her to be herself and say she likes that she’s different. So she’s going to be like Jake’s crazypants Michelle, who no normal person would keep around but who he has to keep around for the production value.
Michelle, who insists that Brad is a man who needs a real woman, tells Brad she likes his honesty and spills about her daughter Briel (also a name I like).
Ashley with the Dead Dad gets the First Impression Rose, which is kind of weird. She definitely seems like a little girl. Perhaps Brad’s daddy issues and Ashley’s daddy issues are making him attracted to her, like pheromones.
Brad gives roses to Alli, Ashley H., Ashley S., Britt, Chantal, Emily, Jackie, Keltie, Kimberly, Lindsay, Lisa M., Madison, Marissa, Meghan, Melissa, Michelle, Raichel, Sarah P., Shawntel and Stacey.
Which means Britnee, Cristy, J., Jill, Lacey, Lauren, Lisa P., Rebecca, Renee and Sarah L. got sent home. The only one we’re sad about is Jill. We think she could’ve replaced Vampire Madison in the girls who got roses.
Well, the premiere was pretty boring, but we like some of the bachelorettes. Hopefully it’s a fun season to watch. The preview montage looks full of fun and we will be here every week. Again — please no spoilers in the comments if you know how the season turns out.